Search-and-replace considered harmful. I completely missed the need to
explicitly declare "fast" tag functions (__xyz) in the mask field to
LROT_BEGIN()/LROT_END() when I brought over the 5.1+5.3 support.
Without those flags set properly, the LVM doesn't even bother going
looking for those methods, which in this case led to garbage collection
not calling the __gc functions, among other horrible things.
Mea culpa.